308. Ask Matt Anything: From Nerves to Know-How in High-Stakes Moments

Introduction

0:00Have you ever struggled to start a meeting or presentation when others are chatting or distracted? Then check out our new July newsletter where you'll learn how to get attention, quiet down the room, and get things started. Find and subscribe to our newsletter at fastersmarter.io under resources, or subscribe on LinkedIn. Now a word from our sponsors. Their support covers the cost of production, allowing us to bring you this episode free of charge. Running a small business means every hire matters. A bad hire can cost you time,

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Managing Emotions

1:33Managing emotions, yours and your audiences, is hard enough. But it's even harder when you're under pressure to respond. I'm Matt Abrahams. I teach strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to this Quick Thinks episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. Today's episode is a special one. We're taking you inside a recent live learning community, Ask Matt Anything, that I hosted. Take a listen as I answer real-world communication challenges. We discuss how to manage cognitive load when you're under stress, the power of breath work for regulating

2:08your nervous system, and practical strategies for running meetings that stay on track and keep people engaged. Enjoy this Quick Thinks episode packed with engagement, education, and actionable advice you can start using today. Well, hello, everybody. I am thrilled to be here with you, and hopefully there are a few things I can share with you that might be of use. So I'm open to any questions you have about communication that you think I might have some insight on. Would anybody like to start? Natalie, please. Yeah. So English is not my first language. I think by now I speak pretty decent English, but my original

2:44mother language is Portuguese. And I moved to U.S. recently. And one thing I'm struggling with sometimes when I have high stakes conversations, I feel the quality of my English decreases a lot. So I wonder if you have any advice on how to modulate that and make my English sound the same quality that it has, not worse. Thank you for the question. I think the experience is very common. And while I think it's accentuated for people who are speaking in a language that's not their native language, I think this is true of everybody, all people, that when we feel stress or emotion, like we're really

3:21passionate about something, that we might not articulate our thoughts as well. And this really has to do with cognitive load. Your brain is like a computer. You know, when you have your laptop or your phone and you have lots of windows or apps open, each one of those is performing less well because the others are open. And the same thing happens with our brains, that when I get nervous, when I get excited, highly emotional, when I'm worried that I might not be using the right words, that in and of itself, those emotions take some of our precious cognitive load bandwidth that we have, and it makes it

3:57harder for us to accomplish what we're trying to accomplish. So first and best way to handle this is to reduce the cognitive load that the emotion has. So if you are somebody who gets nervous when you're advocating in a high stakes situation, managing the anxiety will reduce the cognitive load. If you're somebody who's really passionate and excited about something, taking the opportunity to recognize that emotion and put it to the side, perhaps, so in the moment you can be focused,

4:30that can help. So it's really about emotional regulation to help. Now, that sounds easy, like, oh, okay, great. I'll just manage my emotions. It's very hard to do, right? Especially if it's based on anxiety or concern over grammar and vocabulary, etc. So it takes practice. It takes practice and simulation is important. So one way to practice is to simulate these high stakes situations. If you can stress test yourself in situations that are similar, then you are better prepared. So managing the

5:01anxiety, and you know I do a lot of work on anxiety management, lots of podcast episodes on it, lots of writing about it, and then also finding situations where you put yourself in that stressful situation so you become more accustomed to it, that will free up more cognitive bandwidth. So I hope there's something there, Natalie, that sounds useful to you, but it's really about the cognitive load and anything we can do to reduce the cognitive load of the circumstance will help you articulate your thoughts better. Thank you. Arun, I'm curious if you have a question. I do have a question, Matt.

High Stakes Communication

5:33We live in an uncertain economic times. We, a lot of companies are restructuring. So us leaders, we are in a very high stakes situation where we have to talk to our teams, our followers. And oftentimes what we see is that there's a lot of anxiety and nervousness in the audience. When you're talking to, let's say, 10 people or 50 people or 500 people, there is that general sense of anxiety. And it gets compounded, especially when you are on a Zoom or something. My question is,

6:04how do one approach something like this? And put the anxiety and the level of angst that people have headrest and communicate what needs to be communicated in a thoughtful way. It is true that times are turbulent and things are changing, and that can be very unsettling for people. And often that brings anxiety and concern. And as leaders, as people in positions of power, it's important to recognize that. And it's important to recognize that the messages you have

6:38are important to get across. But if people are in a state of fear and concern, they might not hear it or hear it the way you want. So it's important for you to be empathetic and to recognize that. And the work you do in advance to expect it. So before I ever walk into that room, log into that Zoom, I'm thinking about my audience. You've heard me say that lots and lots before. And on the podcast, it's the number one bit of advice people share is know your audience. And part of that is understanding their likely emotional state. And you can figure that out by just your own

7:10empathy. How would I feel if I'm in that position by asking people? There are lots of ways to determine that. So you shouldn't be surprised by it if you do your preparation right now. I know in spontaneous situations where things just happen, you might have to deal with it in the moment. I believe the best way to handle it is to recognize it and to start by naming it. You know, if people are sitting there in fear and concern, it's important to say there are a lot of things changing and they're changing in ways that are unpredictable and ambiguous. And today I want to share how we're addressing it

7:42and some of the things that we're doing. And I want to fully appreciate and honor the fact that some of us, myself included, can be very concerned at this time. So naming it can be very helpful to recognize and making yourself available to have conversations about it. So you might say, and after I'm done speaking or in the next week or so, I very much would like to hear from all of you to better understand your concerns. So it's acknowledging it and then it's providing an avenue to have a discussion about it. I think that's first and foremost, most important.

8:15Doing the homework in advance to understand it. Maybe setting expectations. I am a huge fan of setting expectations in advance of communication if possible. A meeting invite, a conversation with people before the presentation or meeting to help people understand what you're doing and the fact that you recognize that this is fraught with concern. And then at the end, check in with people. At the end, come back and say, I hope the things that I've shared give some insight and input that is helpful as you experience these things as concerning. So making sure to really acknowledge that even though

8:50you've just said something that hopefully helps with some of that anxiety, that it still might exist in what you're doing to follow up with it. This is going to help you and your audience to connect and to really digest the information. It is hard for many people to live in ambiguity and anxiety and to help them understand that it's normal and natural and that you appreciate it, I think gets you a long way towards your goal. Thank you for that question. Nesser, you have a question. Good morning, Matt. So I'm sure like many, I'm in a position to lead a lot of meetings, sometimes

9:22fun meetings, sometimes introductory project meetings, sometimes project updates are not going so well. And for the most part, I think we all do a reasonably good job. But I've always struggled with repetitiveness of starting meetings. You know, you come in there with the basics of thank you for joining, I'm glad to be here, et cetera, et cetera. But I'd love to hear from a communication sciences perspective, your view, and maybe even examples of what you use to engage audiences. If I lead a team meeting or even board meetings, what are some great icebreakers to really get people fully tuned in? And then as the meeting progresses, we have a tendency to deviate from

9:56what the core subject or the topic we were presenting, right? So what's your advice for getting that meeting back on track and staying focused without alienating people? So two really important questions there and questions that I think a lot of us struggle with in meetings. And that is, how do we engage and get things moving forward in a way that's not repetitive or actually working against ourselves? And then how do we stay on track? I believe that there's a lot of work that can be done in advance of the meeting actually taking place. I think the most underutilized expectation setting

10:29tool is the calendar invite. And I think there's a lot you can do in the calendar invite to set people's expectations and to engage them before you start. Just thinking about how you title the meeting. What is it called? Many of us just do blah, blah, blah meeting. That's not very engaging or interesting. Is there a way I can name the meeting that encourages people to perhaps get excited or focused on it? So maybe thinking about the action or the main action that you'll be doing in the meeting. So can you put a verb, an action in the title of your meeting? What I like to do is I like to pose a question or a

11:05challenge in all of my calendar invites. And I start our meetings with that challenge or with that question. So when people come to the meeting, they know that's how we're starting. Most people don't like coming to meetings. And so we're going to start this meeting by reviewing the previous meeting you didn't like. That makes no sense to me. So starting with some kind of action, some kind of question and engagement can be really helpful. Using icebreakers is a great way to start. There are lots of tools. You know, if it's a recurring meeting where people know each other, maybe a simple check-in just to see

11:39where people are emotionally or stress-wise. You know, people use a stoplight. Are you red, green, yellow? Sometimes people use a weather forecast. Are you cloudy? Are you sunny? There are other icebreakers. If you don't know groups well or people well, to get people to know each other, get them interacting with each other. One of my favorites that I use in all of my classes is an activity where I ask people to find things they have in common and then share those things. It gets people talking. It gets them discussing. It's low stakes. So how you set expectations up front and how you

12:09start really matters. I like starting with engagement before I get to repeating or recounting what happened before. Now, in terms of how to stay on track, part of what I include in my meeting invites is an agenda. Agendas are important. They are a structure for the meeting. And I make it very clear at the beginning of the meetings that we have an agenda. There's time allocated to different aspects. And if we need to deviate from that, we all have to agree. So if I find that as I'm facilitating the meeting, we have drift in some direction, maybe it's a great direction, maybe it's a tangential direction. I call it out. I say, just want to remind everybody we've got these items on the

12:44agenda. Where are we going? Do we want to allocate time to this or not? So the meta awareness and calling that out as a leader, I think is really important. Also, if you need to pull people back just because somebody is talking too much or they're starting to go on a tangent, this is where paraphrasing can be really helpful. Take something of value the person has said, name it, and then pull it back. So I might say, Nesser, that point was really important about delivery date. And it actually ties to the next item of the agenda, which is our implementation plan. So I interrupt you, name

13:16something important that you've said, and then connect it to what's coming next. That's a really useful way for me to keep the meeting moving. And then at the end of the meeting, it's really important to come back and assess how the meeting went. So take 30 seconds, a minute at the end of the meeting and just debrief the quality of the meeting, not rehashing the issues. But I might say it was really helpful when Kamel paraphrased that point. It got us back on track. Or when Natalie asked that question when we were sort of floundering, that really helped us. And what I'm doing there is I'm

13:49rewarding the positive behaviors that help the meeting run well. And it's sending a signal that I'm trying to make these meetings run really well, and I need your help. And I'm noticing what you're doing when you do help me. We'll be right back to finish our conversation. But first, a quick word from our sponsors. Their support allows us to bring you this show free of charge. One of the biggest communication challenges isn't knowing what to say. It's staying present enough to say it well. Whether you're leading a meeting, giving a presentation, or having an

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14:51the real-time translate feature is also especially compelling, helping conversations across languages feel more natural. To learn more about Even G2, visit evenrealities.com and discover how staying connected to your audience, rather than your notes, can help you communicate with greater confidence. And for Think Fast Talk Smart listeners, use promo code THINKFAST to get 10% off Even Ring 1 and or Even Clip when you add them to your Even G2 order. Great ideas don't create impact until

15:24someone actually brings them to life. The challenge is that most of us don't have every skill we need sitting in our own team. Maybe we need a designer, a developer, a data analyst, or a marketing expert. And hiring someone full-time isn't always the right answer. That's why I like Upwork. Upwork is a one-stop platform to find, hire, and pay expert freelancers across more than 125 categories. Whether you need specialized expertise for a single project or ongoing support, Upwork helps you connect with experienced professionals quickly so you can keep your

15:58projects moving forward. What stands out to me is the efficiency. You can review files, see examples of past work, and hire with confidence instead of spending weeks searching for the right person. And with Business Plus, you can access the top 1% of talent on Upwork and get matched in under six hours. Visit Upwork.com and post your job for free. That's U-P-W-O-R-K dot com. I'd like to take maybe one more question. Please, Ken.

16:29Yeah, so actually what happened after Stanford is after returning back to Oslo, the business situation was much more challenging than I was expecting. And it was probably the most challenging months in my professional career. So it was really, really tough situation until the end of last year, until I got a real good overview on where we are, what are the challenges, how to move forward. And communicated actually to a team and wrote a thank you for your commitment despite the difficult situation and so on. But I also wanted to convey a clear message actually that the entire

17:04team needs to change. We need to adapt to the new circumstances. We need to accelerate maybe also processes, the way of working, etc. It's not like only waiting for management to fix. It needs to be every single one who needs to somehow adapt and to do the change. So for me, the key point is I would like now to follow up on this and to try to communicate in a way that I can actually, how to say, catch everyone. Still, I feel that some people got it already, but I don't want to do it in a

17:40threatening way, you know, that people are afraid and this anxiety, etc., etc. So I want to catch the people. And this is kind of the challenge for the communication I have. Right. So thank you, Ken. I

Motivating Change

17:51appreciate you giving us context. So essentially, how do I motivate change that is significant in a way that doesn't invoke anxiety and concern? And that's very hard. I have a few thoughts. First, I really think you should lean into the mission, vision, values that you have in the organization. In theory, everybody in your firm and your company believes in and supports those mission, vision, values. So if you can lean into them and really share what you are advocating for, the changes you are

18:22encouraging people to take on, connect to and really relate to the mission, vision, values that you have. What we know from lots of research in social science is if you can tap into what currently motivates people, they are much more likely to be open to what it is you're saying, because you're showing what you're asking for is consistent with what they've already done. So is there a way to make that message clear that the mission, vision, values have not changed, but the activities we need to do

18:52in support of them have to change? Second, you have to make the message salient and relevant to the different people, different roles, different levels of the organization have different key areas that are important to them. So you have to morph the message. You have to target the message to be relevant to individuals. People only act on things that they see as relevant and important to them. So we don't create one broadcast message and send it to everybody. We have to tailor that message. And sometimes we can just ask people to help us do that. So you can give a broadcast message and then challenge everybody

19:26to think about the implications that has for them and how they can contribute. And you have to have clear lines of connection between what you're asking people to do and the goal that you're trying to achieve. People need to see that what they're being asked to do connects to the broader picture. So creating a communication infrastructure around these change messages becomes very important. That means you have to think about targeting the message differently to different people. You have to have different processes in place to get the feedback and repeat the message. We have to

19:58repeat messages over and over. And you might need to even look at different channels for delivering the message depending on the people. You know, the class I teach is strategic communication. We have to be very strategic about the communication. It takes a lot of work. But I like that you're sensitive to how important communication is. So thank you there. And I thank all of you for joining me today and for the insightful questions. It was a true thrill to be with you. Thank you for joining us for another episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. To learn more about all of these various skills,

20:33take a listen to our back catalog. This episode was produced by Katherine Reed, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams. Our music is from Floyd Wonder with special thanks to Podium Podcast Company. Please find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe and rate us. Also, follow us on LinkedIn, TikTok, and Instagram. And check out faster smarter.io for deep dive videos, English language learning content, and our newsletter. Please consider joining our Think Fast, Talk Smart learning community at faster smarter.io slash learning. You'll find video lessons,

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21:22Before we wrap up, I just want to say thank you for listening. It really means a lot to hear how people all over the world are using these ideas in their own lives. It inspires me and the whole team that brings you this show. If you want more episodes and resources, feel free to follow, subscribe, and explore past conversations. We're grateful for your support of Think Fast, Talk Smart.